I'm scared

There, that's your reason. the reason why i have been such an ass lately, It is because I am scared out of my mind. I am scared as to what this society that we have created is bringing itself to. I have not lost hope in people, but have lost hope in those who follow others blindly.

I didn't know why I was so scared until now. Objectivism teaches that man should put himself first and everyone else second. what does that mean? It means this; It teaches you how to lead. In battle, a leader is the one at the front of the line, fighting because he wants to. In business, a leader is the entrepreneur who creates something new and brilliant. In politics, a leader is the one who points the finger last, and admits his own mistakes.

why am i scared? because society teaches to put yourself second. that the nail that sticks out, gets hammered down. that a leader is someone who can enrage your heart by blaming someone else for all your problems.

I said a couple weeks ago that I had had an anxiety attack. In that moment, I scratched the skin on the back of my left hand till it hurt, to take my mind off of the frightening possibility that i had stumbled upon. It came after our fight about art. I thought something so terrifying that I needed to mutilate my body just so I could rationally think again. that thought was this, gray. everything gray. the world turned to soot, to ashes, to nothing, because of this gray. and the reason for this gray is the unbridled growth of weeds. these weeds take everything from the world and give nothing back. and those weeds could have been destroyed, if someone had just had the nerve to say that the weed was bad, that it was dangerous to the trees that it attempted to imitate. when they said that art couldn't be good or bad and that no one could say so either way, this was the thought that entered my mind. would those weeds be doing it intentionally, of course not, they just want to be like the trees, but they can't. you can't be like something or somebody by stealing from them. whether you're stealing their strength, or their sunlight, you can't be like them.

I'm scared because there are sheep (those who follow) who don't even have a Shepard anymore. When I go to church, i am scared of everyone inside because they follow someone who is dead, they follow a creator of a religion blindly without questioning his motive.

I'm afraid, beyond all of my capabilities, of what this world is coming to.

I apologize for being an ass, I now know where it came from. I needed to solidify what was already present in my mind so that I can keep myself first, and leading.