fifteen men on a dead men chest by ME (yes, as in myself)
good god, making a chant (essentially, as there is no official song yet) into music is hard, i'm currently working on a bass walk for it, putting in the rest shall be difficult...
I've been working on characters for my comic in my sketch book, and one thing i find helpful is a reference. i know it's one of the basics of drawing, but i never really used it till recently, and honestly, it helps alot. anywho.
i've learned another thing in the learning of Ayn Rand, but this principle actually stands against Rand's philosophy (finally, i've stopped with the brown-nosing :D). my theory is that in order to be happy, one must find a path that entails no suffering. what do i mean? people think that money is happiness, so what do they do? they suffer through a job for it. what they end up doing is flipping their causes and effects around. the way it should be is cause:job, effect:money. but the way most people put it is cause:money, effect: Job (note, this part was stolen from Rand). but why? why the flip? because people think that somehow happiness comes from suffering. it's in every major religion, you suffer to find happiness. why can't i be happy with my job? why can't i be happy with my college? instead of taking the path most taken, i want to find a path that'll make me happy instead of suffer.
so here's a tool for you all, use these two tools. ask you self why your doing something and what's the effect of it. if you find that your cause and effect are switched around, do something to fix. and always ask yourself, am i allowing myself to suffer for something? if you are, then maybe you should consider changing it.
but, finally, always remember this. what ever you do in life, OWN IT. what do i mean? i mean that if you decide to give to charity, do it because you WANT TO, not because of a moral obligation or "higher calling". if you're doing something because you want to, you won't have to ask yourself why, you would already know the reason.
that is all.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
This Jesus must die
From Jesus Christ Superstar.
I had a revelation today in church (no, not an epiphany, I'm still atheist), why in the hell do people worship jesus on the cross? Do they really believe Jesus to be a martyr? What Jesus did, according to their beliefs, is defeat death. so how did they decide on a Jesus dying as their symbol? to make themselves feel bad? to be humbled? sounds like a load of poppycock to me. when i think of somebody victorious over something, i don't picture them leaving to go fight the battle, i picture them returning home victorious.
If you think about it, death was the easiest part. when he was gone for three days, he had to fight to the bowels of hell itself in order to finish what he started. his death was meaningless, it was the means to an end.
that's all.
PS: Atlas Shrugged is starting to become clearer.
I had a revelation today in church (no, not an epiphany, I'm still atheist), why in the hell do people worship jesus on the cross? Do they really believe Jesus to be a martyr? What Jesus did, according to their beliefs, is defeat death. so how did they decide on a Jesus dying as their symbol? to make themselves feel bad? to be humbled? sounds like a load of poppycock to me. when i think of somebody victorious over something, i don't picture them leaving to go fight the battle, i picture them returning home victorious.
If you think about it, death was the easiest part. when he was gone for three days, he had to fight to the bowels of hell itself in order to finish what he started. his death was meaningless, it was the means to an end.
that's all.
PS: Atlas Shrugged is starting to become clearer.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Russia's Greatest Love Machine
Rasputin by Turisas
i guess i'm going to use lyrics as titles from now on... sounds like fun.
so, recently, i have added a new skill to my already astounding repertoire, the ability to throw a pot. my currently successful project to date is about 3 inches tall and wide, but i plan to make a much heftier one tomorrow.
Second off, The recent choir concerts were not up to par with our norm, which is odd, because earlier this year we were above par (I adore Mr. Luntz (lunz?)(yes, it's manly to say adore)). I blame Ms. heminafighajk (can't remember name)(that's how little of an impact she has had on me) and the asswipes who don't give a damn.
thirdly, Atlas Shrugged is getting better and better.
and pertaining to Mrs. Ayn Rand, I have come to realize that her philosophy is very love-hate, either you hate it or you love it. she seems to speak to people who create because they love to create.
and... that's about it... not alot to say.
i guess i'm going to use lyrics as titles from now on... sounds like fun.
so, recently, i have added a new skill to my already astounding repertoire, the ability to throw a pot. my currently successful project to date is about 3 inches tall and wide, but i plan to make a much heftier one tomorrow.
Second off, The recent choir concerts were not up to par with our norm, which is odd, because earlier this year we were above par (I adore Mr. Luntz (lunz?)(yes, it's manly to say adore)). I blame Ms. heminafighajk (can't remember name)(that's how little of an impact she has had on me) and the asswipes who don't give a damn.
thirdly, Atlas Shrugged is getting better and better.
and pertaining to Mrs. Ayn Rand, I have come to realize that her philosophy is very love-hate, either you hate it or you love it. she seems to speak to people who create because they love to create.
and... that's about it... not alot to say.
Monday, December 8, 2008
My week
has been strange, to say the least.
my grandmother hates Ayn Rand, which seems strange and yet makes sense to me. because of this my mother won't stop asking me what the book is about, and i have to keep telling her half truths, because i know that she wouldn't be able to handle it.
the strangest thing i keep hearing from my friends is that Ayn's style of writing is boring. i can't help but disagree. I can truly feel the utter emotions that Ayn attempts to convey in her writing, whereas, my friends instead see a long boring drawn out paragraph that simply reiterates itself. but that is where it's power comes from, that simple, soul-crushing inability to feel happiness again, such is Ayn's power in writing.
anyways, this week has been mostly uneventful, i'm almost done with One piece, 180 pages into Atlas Shrugged, and my mind is already blown with it's amazing.
my grandmother hates Ayn Rand, which seems strange and yet makes sense to me. because of this my mother won't stop asking me what the book is about, and i have to keep telling her half truths, because i know that she wouldn't be able to handle it.
the strangest thing i keep hearing from my friends is that Ayn's style of writing is boring. i can't help but disagree. I can truly feel the utter emotions that Ayn attempts to convey in her writing, whereas, my friends instead see a long boring drawn out paragraph that simply reiterates itself. but that is where it's power comes from, that simple, soul-crushing inability to feel happiness again, such is Ayn's power in writing.
anyways, this week has been mostly uneventful, i'm almost done with One piece, 180 pages into Atlas Shrugged, and my mind is already blown with it's amazing.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Night time Awakens...
My ferocity.
I would like to reiterate a point i made a while ago, that being, I no longer like to stand behind something when i no longer feel it.
what i no longer feel, is religion. It used to be that i would get excited about god and jesus and what not. but, about a year and a half ago, i saw the atrocities being committed in the name of this "God" and i no longer felt any pride toward the name, instead, I questioned, first off, where the hell people got the audacity to use this "God" fellow, who is supposed to be peaceful, to hurt other people. It never made sense to me, but i still believed in "God" at that point. but then, something happened... whether it was this sort of fading of emotions that i experienced, but on my confirmation day, when i was blessed with the gifts of the holy spirit, I no longer believed in god. I stood, staring face to face with this sort of emptiness that i knew once contained this god, and yet i felt happier than i'd felt in all my life. that's when the true atrocities around me came into full bloom. and I awoke on the other side...
and this is what i learned...
The Argument of Christians Against Homosexuals
Since the early days of the church, people had been going around, banging some wierd verses in peoples faces, such as this:
1st corinthians, 6:9-10
"Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God."
First off, i love this play on words "Nor male prostitutes", good stuff, it implys that females are ok :D.
anyways, back on subject, this is the "New Internet Version" of the bible, which means that these people with preconceived ideas of its meaning, put this crap in here. now, personally, i trust older stuff, and i trust shakespearee, so lets see what the good ol' king james version says for this verse.
Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God.
hmm, interesting, there is no mention of homosexuality here (well, Effinimate simply means overly feminine or too sophisticated (judging that St. peter hated the rich, i'm going with the latter)) which is strange, right? the bible couldn't contradict itself? and never on the same verse.
how bout this one?
Leviticus 18:22
Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination
yet, according to the bible in John 3:16
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
so, according to that, any sin i have is washed away if i believe that jesus died for my sins and so on and so forth.
so then, why do these people attack homosexuals?
Hell, the Mormons (who are a minority themselves) forced the attack of Proposition 8.
and if these people are christians, do they not also belive in mortal sin? if so, lets measure the 2 out.
Homosexuality: Mortal sins: Lust: because they show love for each other (Heaven Forbid), they must be lustful.
Protestors: Mortals sins: Pride: they don't wish to lose the definition of marriage because they are proud of what it means, instead of being humble. Greed: some protestors motive is greed "they're a bunch of dirty women and girly pretty boys sleeping with each other, so why should they get my tax benefits? Wrath: Protestors around the country are abusing homosexuals emotionally, verbally, and sometimes even physically.
it's dispicable...
(PS: in my first paragraph, i capatilized god sometimes, and sometimes not... this was on purpose)
I would like to reiterate a point i made a while ago, that being, I no longer like to stand behind something when i no longer feel it.
what i no longer feel, is religion. It used to be that i would get excited about god and jesus and what not. but, about a year and a half ago, i saw the atrocities being committed in the name of this "God" and i no longer felt any pride toward the name, instead, I questioned, first off, where the hell people got the audacity to use this "God" fellow, who is supposed to be peaceful, to hurt other people. It never made sense to me, but i still believed in "God" at that point. but then, something happened... whether it was this sort of fading of emotions that i experienced, but on my confirmation day, when i was blessed with the gifts of the holy spirit, I no longer believed in god. I stood, staring face to face with this sort of emptiness that i knew once contained this god, and yet i felt happier than i'd felt in all my life. that's when the true atrocities around me came into full bloom. and I awoke on the other side...
and this is what i learned...
The Argument of Christians Against Homosexuals
Since the early days of the church, people had been going around, banging some wierd verses in peoples faces, such as this:
1st corinthians, 6:9-10
"Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God."
First off, i love this play on words "Nor male prostitutes", good stuff, it implys that females are ok :D.
anyways, back on subject, this is the "New Internet Version" of the bible, which means that these people with preconceived ideas of its meaning, put this crap in here. now, personally, i trust older stuff, and i trust shakespearee, so lets see what the good ol' king james version says for this verse.
Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God.
hmm, interesting, there is no mention of homosexuality here (well, Effinimate simply means overly feminine or too sophisticated (judging that St. peter hated the rich, i'm going with the latter)) which is strange, right? the bible couldn't contradict itself? and never on the same verse.
how bout this one?
Leviticus 18:22
Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination
yet, according to the bible in John 3:16
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
so, according to that, any sin i have is washed away if i believe that jesus died for my sins and so on and so forth.
so then, why do these people attack homosexuals?
Hell, the Mormons (who are a minority themselves) forced the attack of Proposition 8.
and if these people are christians, do they not also belive in mortal sin? if so, lets measure the 2 out.
Homosexuality: Mortal sins: Lust: because they show love for each other (Heaven Forbid), they must be lustful.
Protestors: Mortals sins: Pride: they don't wish to lose the definition of marriage because they are proud of what it means, instead of being humble. Greed: some protestors motive is greed "they're a bunch of dirty women and girly pretty boys sleeping with each other, so why should they get my tax benefits? Wrath: Protestors around the country are abusing homosexuals emotionally, verbally, and sometimes even physically.
it's dispicable...
(PS: in my first paragraph, i capatilized god sometimes, and sometimes not... this was on purpose)
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Thought process
I'm currently spending time, watching my brother and nick play mindless FPS's and wished for an escape, so here it is.
today, i went to church, and contemplated man's need for religion, and have come up with this. man needs relligion in order to feel humbled, to feel smaller than we feel that we are. Also, some of religion was created to allow us to express our selfish desires without a feeling of guilt. Such as, in the church's prayers of the faithful, they prayed for a save return home of our troops, especially those close to home. which sounds great, but philosophiccal James caught something, why not pray for world peace? if you believe in a god, and believe that they can do anything, why not pray for peace. but no, they pray for protection of those round them that put themslelves in dannger. is that fair of them?
Another reason religion was created was to allow higher ups to control those below them (Now, I'm not taking a stab at whether a praticular religion is right or not, just some stuff I contemplated). Think about it, if you weren't strong enough to take someone in kindergarten, ou would call on the help of your older siblings, simply because their bigger and stronger than you or your enemy. so why not use the same philosophy in government, claim that you've got a being that created the entire universe, and people are bound to respect you.
just random thoughts.... anywho...
Yeah, FPS's are retared, that's all.
today, i went to church, and contemplated man's need for religion, and have come up with this. man needs relligion in order to feel humbled, to feel smaller than we feel that we are. Also, some of religion was created to allow us to express our selfish desires without a feeling of guilt. Such as, in the church's prayers of the faithful, they prayed for a save return home of our troops, especially those close to home. which sounds great, but philosophiccal James caught something, why not pray for world peace? if you believe in a god, and believe that they can do anything, why not pray for peace. but no, they pray for protection of those round them that put themslelves in dannger. is that fair of them?
Another reason religion was created was to allow higher ups to control those below them (Now, I'm not taking a stab at whether a praticular religion is right or not, just some stuff I contemplated). Think about it, if you weren't strong enough to take someone in kindergarten, ou would call on the help of your older siblings, simply because their bigger and stronger than you or your enemy. so why not use the same philosophy in government, claim that you've got a being that created the entire universe, and people are bound to respect you.
just random thoughts.... anywho...
Yeah, FPS's are retared, that's all.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
MADNESS!!! With a side order of Asides
Anywho, I've discovered understanding in it's pure form, and i must say, it is quite gelatinous and tastes oddly of pumpkin.
anyways, my Epiphany for writing (it's strange, every one of my blogs comes from an Epiphany, that or just craziness) is this, I am a Weird person. I am like a dog that got shot down in its pride (which is odd, become that feeling was first experienced at celebrate last year, which after, Katie called me the jacob to her bella (which is funny, because jacob's a dog (get it?))) (i use too many damn asides, is what i do) and at a different moment, like a cat, basking in the sunlight. recently i've become sort of a... a... James, i guess. i've finally acheived what i've struggled for since the beginning of the 7th grade, I AM ME!!! It makes me quite satisfied with myself :D.
anyways, another thing to bring up, the past is an interesting beast (at least my case (God Damnit, another aside (see the irony there? i used an side to point out my aside (freaking a, too many asides)))) the entirety of my past 5 years of life was to try and find the definition of my life. meanwhile, i didn't even realize that i was defining my life, i delved into philosophy to find myself, and it defined a part of me.
another note, a choir that is good on the hole, doesn't mean it's individuals are the best. (hmm, i see a t-shirt coming from that (Fucking A!!!! more Asides (wait, i could make an aside rant a t-shirt (I Think it just might work (ok... this aside thing is getting annoying (well, it's how i think (in levels) and this the only really good way to think of things)))))
Ok, that's all,
-James
anyways, my Epiphany for writing (it's strange, every one of my blogs comes from an Epiphany, that or just craziness) is this, I am a Weird person. I am like a dog that got shot down in its pride (which is odd, become that feeling was first experienced at celebrate last year, which after, Katie called me the jacob to her bella (which is funny, because jacob's a dog (get it?))) (i use too many damn asides, is what i do) and at a different moment, like a cat, basking in the sunlight. recently i've become sort of a... a... James, i guess. i've finally acheived what i've struggled for since the beginning of the 7th grade, I AM ME!!! It makes me quite satisfied with myself :D.
anyways, another thing to bring up, the past is an interesting beast (at least my case (God Damnit, another aside (see the irony there? i used an side to point out my aside (freaking a, too many asides)))) the entirety of my past 5 years of life was to try and find the definition of my life. meanwhile, i didn't even realize that i was defining my life, i delved into philosophy to find myself, and it defined a part of me.
another note, a choir that is good on the hole, doesn't mean it's individuals are the best. (hmm, i see a t-shirt coming from that (Fucking A!!!! more Asides (wait, i could make an aside rant a t-shirt (I Think it just might work (ok... this aside thing is getting annoying (well, it's how i think (in levels) and this the only really good way to think of things)))))
Ok, that's all,
-James
Friday, November 21, 2008
Holy Freaging a, A is for apples, Apples taste good in, Taste is a sense, sense: what if you could sense time...
synonym for the title is, sleep deprivation + caffeine = Happiness.
not clarity, but inclarity. my mind is moving at a hundred miles a foot and i don't want to stop it... it is quite delicious. my feet are really cold. i've decided i'm not going to sleep for a couple of days, see what happens. My god, my nose itches. Twilight ruled, kind of, it was extremely cheesy, as i thought it would be, but a good kind of cheesy, a cheesy that loosened up the story and made it interesting. according to this stupid machine "thatloosened" is a word that is spelt correctly, how ridiculous.
anyways, i said last time i would follow up on personality stuff, this is probably a bad time to be doing it, but i'm doing it anyways. the changes that made the branches of our metaphorical tree can be made in many ways. most of mine were made due to a relationship (or failed attempt of relationship) that i've had. such as, punk James was made when i dated Bricky (for the whopping 2 days)(really wierd comment, but my hands feel very strange), then flirty James (who i didn't mention last time) came from my incounters with a one Sarah Cross, and quiet James came after my failed attempt at Jenna (teehee, i was so silly back then). this is how mine were made.
now, back to our regularily scheduled ADHD happiness of the damned. Cats would taste like chicken, i've decided. if you want to win a class debate, wear a tie that you left sitting in your backpack since homecoming. Ima grow a moustasch, okay?! I sound really wierd right now. i can't wait for school. I'm going to take a nice warm shower after this, at 5 o'clock (it's 4:37 right now) umm... I can draw energy from the earth now (it's really just meditation focusing on a feeling, in order to rejuvenate yourself). my GOD, my brains moving so fast, and yet so slow, it's like i approached the speed of light... that didn't make any sense. you know what doesn't make any sense, me. it's wierd i know, but apparently i'm crazy. Ima tell sometin to yous, i think the spell check on my computer stopped working, that or i can't see red no more. that'd be awesome if i couldn't, but would also suck. god, i hope no one reads this, it's pure insanity... it's like pulling together a huge group of very important people, and singing row, row, row your boat to them. ya'know what's strange? I wrote an essay for spanish in english and the teacher thought i did it cause i didn't understand the directions. how dumb does she think i am? i guess it was pretty dumb, but i'm dropping that class anyways. If you're still reading this, i give you 15 points on the awesome scale. i couldn't read this, it's a bunch of gibberish. anywho... you know whos hot, Liz whatshername. shes small and cute and hot and i could carry her around in a... dude, Human suitcases would rule, i kinda want to go make one now. my legs are freezing man, and my arm,s feel really heavy. i think i'm losing my mind. But it all was bullshit, a goddamn piece of shit! hahahaha wedding singer rules. ima gonna get the death from above tattoo when i turn 18, with my older bro (well, sis, technically) and his roommate, Jeremy (hannah, technically). you know what's frustrating, Carmike 15 spelt Quantum of Solace as Quantum of Solice. the retards. holy crap, it's now 4:47, that means i managed to type meaninglessly for over 10 minutes, my god, this must've been how Hemingway felt. ooo, BURN! I just burned Hemingway. god that guy hurts my head, his work makes no sense, he's a commie i tells ya. my god, my internal voice sounds though it were drunk. this is why i while never drink and fuck, it's just too messy. anyways, you know who'll fuck you up? Nate affield, i know something he doesn't know :D... but that's a story for, hey you know what? College is gonna rule, woot!!! ♂ Animation mentor. wow, my hands get really cold if i m,ove them away from the keyboard, that's amazing. another 15 points awarded if you've managed to continually read this far. another 5 minutes have passed. green is orange with the silver. you know who i used to like, Meghan, because she's so cool, but she can't stand me... I think... Wow! I do sound Drunk, maybe i should stop, ah fuck it, i've come this far, might as well keep writing until 5 o'clock and my warm shower of doom awaits me. my hand is becoming numb, oh well. it 455 right now. Renee Therrein is a cool cat. I can't stand the Kelcca coimit. they frustrate (that was Kelsy Coit and Becca Dymit, in case you couldn't tell). i wish i could see this clearly all the time. the jitters have subsided and my brain is starting to work on a normal level again. that was some funness had by me. pacing is my past-time. This is the first blog that actually makes sense with my blogs name. Live through the eyes of insanity indeed. this blog has gotten very long, it is quite stupendiffirous indeed. ok, i know for a fact that "stupendiffirous" is a bullshit word, so, yeah, my spell check isn't working right now. kinda glad actually, i don't want to know the amount of errors i made in my posting madness, well its 5, signing off kiddies
Quis custodiet ipsos custodes
Who watches the watchmen, INDEED!
not clarity, but inclarity. my mind is moving at a hundred miles a foot and i don't want to stop it... it is quite delicious. my feet are really cold. i've decided i'm not going to sleep for a couple of days, see what happens. My god, my nose itches. Twilight ruled, kind of, it was extremely cheesy, as i thought it would be, but a good kind of cheesy, a cheesy that loosened up the story and made it interesting. according to this stupid machine "thatloosened" is a word that is spelt correctly, how ridiculous.
anyways, i said last time i would follow up on personality stuff, this is probably a bad time to be doing it, but i'm doing it anyways. the changes that made the branches of our metaphorical tree can be made in many ways. most of mine were made due to a relationship (or failed attempt of relationship) that i've had. such as, punk James was made when i dated Bricky (for the whopping 2 days)(really wierd comment, but my hands feel very strange), then flirty James (who i didn't mention last time) came from my incounters with a one Sarah Cross, and quiet James came after my failed attempt at Jenna (teehee, i was so silly back then). this is how mine were made.
now, back to our regularily scheduled ADHD happiness of the damned. Cats would taste like chicken, i've decided. if you want to win a class debate, wear a tie that you left sitting in your backpack since homecoming. Ima grow a moustasch, okay?! I sound really wierd right now. i can't wait for school. I'm going to take a nice warm shower after this, at 5 o'clock (it's 4:37 right now) umm... I can draw energy from the earth now (it's really just meditation focusing on a feeling, in order to rejuvenate yourself). my GOD, my brains moving so fast, and yet so slow, it's like i approached the speed of light... that didn't make any sense. you know what doesn't make any sense, me. it's wierd i know, but apparently i'm crazy. Ima tell sometin to yous, i think the spell check on my computer stopped working, that or i can't see red no more. that'd be awesome if i couldn't, but would also suck. god, i hope no one reads this, it's pure insanity... it's like pulling together a huge group of very important people, and singing row, row, row your boat to them. ya'know what's strange? I wrote an essay for spanish in english and the teacher thought i did it cause i didn't understand the directions. how dumb does she think i am? i guess it was pretty dumb, but i'm dropping that class anyways. If you're still reading this, i give you 15 points on the awesome scale. i couldn't read this, it's a bunch of gibberish. anywho... you know whos hot, Liz whatshername. shes small and cute and hot and i could carry her around in a... dude, Human suitcases would rule, i kinda want to go make one now. my legs are freezing man, and my arm,s feel really heavy. i think i'm losing my mind. But it all was bullshit, a goddamn piece of shit! hahahaha wedding singer rules. ima gonna get the death from above tattoo when i turn 18, with my older bro (well, sis, technically) and his roommate, Jeremy (hannah, technically). you know what's frustrating, Carmike 15 spelt Quantum of Solace as Quantum of Solice. the retards. holy crap, it's now 4:47, that means i managed to type meaninglessly for over 10 minutes, my god, this must've been how Hemingway felt. ooo, BURN! I just burned Hemingway. god that guy hurts my head, his work makes no sense, he's a commie i tells ya. my god, my internal voice sounds though it were drunk. this is why i while never drink and fuck, it's just too messy. anyways, you know who'll fuck you up? Nate affield, i know something he doesn't know :D... but that's a story for, hey you know what? College is gonna rule, woot!!! ♂ Animation mentor. wow, my hands get really cold if i m,ove them away from the keyboard, that's amazing. another 15 points awarded if you've managed to continually read this far. another 5 minutes have passed. green is orange with the silver. you know who i used to like, Meghan, because she's so cool, but she can't stand me... I think... Wow! I do sound Drunk, maybe i should stop, ah fuck it, i've come this far, might as well keep writing until 5 o'clock and my warm shower of doom awaits me. my hand is becoming numb, oh well. it 455 right now. Renee Therrein is a cool cat. I can't stand the Kelcca coimit. they frustrate (that was Kelsy Coit and Becca Dymit, in case you couldn't tell). i wish i could see this clearly all the time. the jitters have subsided and my brain is starting to work on a normal level again. that was some funness had by me. pacing is my past-time. This is the first blog that actually makes sense with my blogs name. Live through the eyes of insanity indeed. this blog has gotten very long, it is quite stupendiffirous indeed. ok, i know for a fact that "stupendiffirous" is a bullshit word, so, yeah, my spell check isn't working right now. kinda glad actually, i don't want to know the amount of errors i made in my posting madness, well its 5, signing off kiddies
Quis custodiet ipsos custodes
Who watches the watchmen, INDEED!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
My god
9 days man, 9 days.
anyways, i would first like to point out that it has been a most significant fortnight. the play and what not, plus all this strange stuff: from the theoretical bombs to the randomly spawning moody ladies (if your reading this, i don't mean you). Quite Significant!!!
second off, Don't ever read Watchmen, then directly follow it up with atheist reading materials, it will destroy your mind!!!!
next, I have thought about the ideas of personalities for a long time, so i've decided to tell you what i've learned. every single person is a tree, that, because of some sort of outside or inner force, splits off of the original. what this creates multiples of the same personality. such as myself: there is This james (Philosophical and very empathetic), normal James (generally very calm and kind of quiet), friend James (a general wierdo), Lonely James (very creeperish, tenatively obsessed with women), theater James (similar to normal, but less inhibited), and punk James (hates everyone and is very sarcastic).
but anywho, i might follow up on this later.
anyways, i would first like to point out that it has been a most significant fortnight. the play and what not, plus all this strange stuff: from the theoretical bombs to the randomly spawning moody ladies (if your reading this, i don't mean you). Quite Significant!!!
second off, Don't ever read Watchmen, then directly follow it up with atheist reading materials, it will destroy your mind!!!!
next, I have thought about the ideas of personalities for a long time, so i've decided to tell you what i've learned. every single person is a tree, that, because of some sort of outside or inner force, splits off of the original. what this creates multiples of the same personality. such as myself: there is This james (Philosophical and very empathetic), normal James (generally very calm and kind of quiet), friend James (a general wierdo), Lonely James (very creeperish, tenatively obsessed with women), theater James (similar to normal, but less inhibited), and punk James (hates everyone and is very sarcastic).
but anywho, i might follow up on this later.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Monday Evening
I am currently a point in my life where the metaphorical gold pan is settling out and i can take some of the fragments that i've secured in my life out for when i need them. I'm positive in my choice of animation mentor and am prepared to send in my application in May (well, nearly, i need to write out the short-essays), I am secure in my "no ladies for James" Philosophy, and do have 3-4 new prospects if i happen to change my mind at a later date, and life is pretty good.
second off, i decided i am not going to sleep tonight and perhaps next week, i won't eat (just for a change of pace). I don't know why, it just is.
thirdly, I find myself swinging back to that weird zone that i was in the beginning of the year, but almost in the opposite. i find myself hating the people who are snarky to other people. sometimes change is confusing.
lastly, I would like to end this with something more aww-ish and something i don't do often enough.
Katie: You are the rock to my, well, rock. I know that in a very rare moment of my own weakness, i have you to lean on. you rock! (HA, PUN!)
Jenna: you're one of the coolest people I know, and i'm glad to have known you (wow, this kinda has a suicide note type of ring, don't it?)(don't worry, i wont kill myself), and in the infamous words of Josh Gunter "you and Jenna are practically the same person" ( I can't remember where that was from (ok, well that's kind of a lie, but i don't wish to say from where, MUAHAHA))(lotsa asides here...)
Ms. Fritz: you are a cool cat. Yes, sarcasm is also my native tongue, and yes, Keanu Reeves is quite possibly the coolest man alive. oh, and i nearly have enough money for the solar sail for our Ship.
and if i could time travel:
5th Grade James: Life will get harder, but don't worry and don't sweat it. also 2 things to note. those people you think are stupid, you were right, they grew up to be a bunch of dumbasses, but they won't bother you for too long. and #2, please find meghan raebel, and focus on remembering her (we also have amazing mental powers, espicially with memory) because i can't seem to recall.
7th grade James: you might not remember it, but we were a happy child just a year ago. don't be angry at the world. life gets better. no, we don't get the social life we wished for right now, but, we do learn to enjoy all of our "James" time. so BE HAPPY!
10th Grade James: Bricky's great, right? you're not changing at all for her, right? well, before you get mad and pissy at the world later on, Brocky is going to give you a yellow rose on the third night of the play. that same night, she's going to give Nate a red rose. let that sink in. you understand now? yes, we know that all the sexual frustration of 15 years of life is a difficult burden to bear, but it would be beter to bear it for now. now, i'm not supposed to reveal the future, but you remember Sarah, who you met at the State Fair. well, let's just say that that boat hasn't sailed just yet.
11th grade James (early year): Hey, isn't Sarah great, yeah, i think she's wonderful too. look, remember to hold onto this feeling of mental clarity, and try to carry it on to whatever lies ahead.
11th Grade James (later year): yeah, Sarah basically dumped you by not talking to you for a month, sucks, doesn't it? well, first off, i know what went wrong, she didn't actually want to go bowling that night, she just didn't have the guts to tell you, and she felt like you forced her into it. i would suggest apologizing, but you can't take my advice (that would create a new time stream). Oh and that look that sarah wente gave you that night, i know what that's all about, just promise me you won't kill her when you find out (i managed to not to, but make sure you hold it under control). Lastly, while it feels like you still have that clarity you had from Sarah, you have to know that it's become malignant and you to open yourself to changing who you are in order to correct that.
12th grade James: you remember that advice i gave you in my last letter, you just now started to take it? oh and make sure you read The Fountainhead, and keep yourself open to change, it will become fantastic on the flip side.
and, as a final.
To Sarah Cross: the likelyhood of you reading this is near impossibility, but i have to say it anyway. it has been nearly 6 months since you stooped talking to me the first time and 4 months since we stopped talking. I apologize for not realizing at the time that you were still fragile from the rape, and that i was included in the umbrella of men you luke-warm trusted. but i also must thank you for opening up to me so soon after you had been hurt. the moments i had with you, though brief, will last me for a lifetime. I'm still getting over you, and i fear the day i get my license, for it just might be the day where i have the weakest willpower and i end up seeing you.
yours truly,
James Mahaney
second off, i decided i am not going to sleep tonight and perhaps next week, i won't eat (just for a change of pace). I don't know why, it just is.
thirdly, I find myself swinging back to that weird zone that i was in the beginning of the year, but almost in the opposite. i find myself hating the people who are snarky to other people. sometimes change is confusing.
lastly, I would like to end this with something more aww-ish and something i don't do often enough.
Katie: You are the rock to my, well, rock. I know that in a very rare moment of my own weakness, i have you to lean on. you rock! (HA, PUN!)
Jenna: you're one of the coolest people I know, and i'm glad to have known you (wow, this kinda has a suicide note type of ring, don't it?)(don't worry, i wont kill myself), and in the infamous words of Josh Gunter "you and Jenna are practically the same person" ( I can't remember where that was from (ok, well that's kind of a lie, but i don't wish to say from where, MUAHAHA))(lotsa asides here...)
Ms. Fritz: you are a cool cat. Yes, sarcasm is also my native tongue, and yes, Keanu Reeves is quite possibly the coolest man alive. oh, and i nearly have enough money for the solar sail for our Ship.
and if i could time travel:
5th Grade James: Life will get harder, but don't worry and don't sweat it. also 2 things to note. those people you think are stupid, you were right, they grew up to be a bunch of dumbasses, but they won't bother you for too long. and #2, please find meghan raebel, and focus on remembering her (we also have amazing mental powers, espicially with memory) because i can't seem to recall.
7th grade James: you might not remember it, but we were a happy child just a year ago. don't be angry at the world. life gets better. no, we don't get the social life we wished for right now, but, we do learn to enjoy all of our "James" time. so BE HAPPY!
10th Grade James: Bricky's great, right? you're not changing at all for her, right? well, before you get mad and pissy at the world later on, Brocky is going to give you a yellow rose on the third night of the play. that same night, she's going to give Nate a red rose. let that sink in. you understand now? yes, we know that all the sexual frustration of 15 years of life is a difficult burden to bear, but it would be beter to bear it for now. now, i'm not supposed to reveal the future, but you remember Sarah, who you met at the State Fair. well, let's just say that that boat hasn't sailed just yet.
11th grade James (early year): Hey, isn't Sarah great, yeah, i think she's wonderful too. look, remember to hold onto this feeling of mental clarity, and try to carry it on to whatever lies ahead.
11th Grade James (later year): yeah, Sarah basically dumped you by not talking to you for a month, sucks, doesn't it? well, first off, i know what went wrong, she didn't actually want to go bowling that night, she just didn't have the guts to tell you, and she felt like you forced her into it. i would suggest apologizing, but you can't take my advice (that would create a new time stream). Oh and that look that sarah wente gave you that night, i know what that's all about, just promise me you won't kill her when you find out (i managed to not to, but make sure you hold it under control). Lastly, while it feels like you still have that clarity you had from Sarah, you have to know that it's become malignant and you to open yourself to changing who you are in order to correct that.
12th grade James: you remember that advice i gave you in my last letter, you just now started to take it? oh and make sure you read The Fountainhead, and keep yourself open to change, it will become fantastic on the flip side.
and, as a final.
To Sarah Cross: the likelyhood of you reading this is near impossibility, but i have to say it anyway. it has been nearly 6 months since you stooped talking to me the first time and 4 months since we stopped talking. I apologize for not realizing at the time that you were still fragile from the rape, and that i was included in the umbrella of men you luke-warm trusted. but i also must thank you for opening up to me so soon after you had been hurt. the moments i had with you, though brief, will last me for a lifetime. I'm still getting over you, and i fear the day i get my license, for it just might be the day where i have the weakest willpower and i end up seeing you.
yours truly,
James Mahaney
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
A quick one
Almost put my hand through my monitor again.
it appears that prop. 8 has passed in california. now the # of states in which you can become married as a gay couple dropped from 3 to 2.
the retarded people of this world (namely those born in the early part of the 1900s to 1960 or so) should learn to respect people around them. and not take their rights away (personally, this should've never been voted on)
it appears that prop. 8 has passed in california. now the # of states in which you can become married as a gay couple dropped from 3 to 2.
the retarded people of this world (namely those born in the early part of the 1900s to 1960 or so) should learn to respect people around them. and not take their rights away (personally, this should've never been voted on)
Monday, November 3, 2008
A day to yourself
Today i missed my bus and my parents through sleeping in, thus i got a day off from school.
it really helped to have a day to myself, doing what i want, when i want. it was comfortable to say the least. it really helped to clear my head about somethings i'd been jumbling around recently. if you've read through my recent posts i say i'm having no girl troubles. while that was true, i haven't been having any girl luck recently either. i'm not complaining, it's just been something that's been bouncing around in my head and finally was resolved today.
on another topic, California's resolution 8 on their ballot for tomorrow is the single most aggravating thing on the planet as of this moment. tomorrow the citizens of california are going to vote on whether or not gay's should be allowed to be married or not. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE!!!! Freedom is defined as: "A state of being where a man's choices are not influenced by the abritrary will of another". I don't care if this is "democratic". IN THIS COUNTRY, THE RIGHTS OF THE INDIVIDUAL COME BEFORE THE RIGHTS OF THE MASSES.
Fucking Assholes, have they ever read documents from our fucking forefathers. "we hold these truths to be self-evident, that every man is endowed... with certain unalienable rights. that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. I DON'T FUCKING CARE IF THIS IS A DEMOCRATIC COUNTRY, THIS IS THE IMPEDEMENT OF THE PEOPLES RIGHT TO PURSUE HAPPINESS.
that brings me to the dumbass Supreme Court justice who ruled that torture isn't cruel and unusual punishment, because it's not punishment. WHERE THE FUCK DOES HE GET OFF? "EVERY MAN... UNALIENABLE RIGHTS". FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, LEARN GODDAMNIT.
that was james' angry rant of the week (note: when i read about resolution 8, i almost put my arm through my monitor, which would've bad, because i would've been bleeding, but mostly because then i would have had to buy a new monitor)
-James
it really helped to have a day to myself, doing what i want, when i want. it was comfortable to say the least. it really helped to clear my head about somethings i'd been jumbling around recently. if you've read through my recent posts i say i'm having no girl troubles. while that was true, i haven't been having any girl luck recently either. i'm not complaining, it's just been something that's been bouncing around in my head and finally was resolved today.
on another topic, California's resolution 8 on their ballot for tomorrow is the single most aggravating thing on the planet as of this moment. tomorrow the citizens of california are going to vote on whether or not gay's should be allowed to be married or not. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE!!!! Freedom is defined as: "A state of being where a man's choices are not influenced by the abritrary will of another". I don't care if this is "democratic". IN THIS COUNTRY, THE RIGHTS OF THE INDIVIDUAL COME BEFORE THE RIGHTS OF THE MASSES.
Fucking Assholes, have they ever read documents from our fucking forefathers. "we hold these truths to be self-evident, that every man is endowed... with certain unalienable rights. that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. I DON'T FUCKING CARE IF THIS IS A DEMOCRATIC COUNTRY, THIS IS THE IMPEDEMENT OF THE PEOPLES RIGHT TO PURSUE HAPPINESS.
that brings me to the dumbass Supreme Court justice who ruled that torture isn't cruel and unusual punishment, because it's not punishment. WHERE THE FUCK DOES HE GET OFF? "EVERY MAN... UNALIENABLE RIGHTS". FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, LEARN GODDAMNIT.
that was james' angry rant of the week (note: when i read about resolution 8, i almost put my arm through my monitor, which would've bad, because i would've been bleeding, but mostly because then i would have had to buy a new monitor)
-James
Sunday, November 2, 2008
While my guitar gently weeps...
First off, i changed the strings on Veronica for the first time in the 2 years i've had her (it was necessary, really, her G string was completed rusted and the others were following suit). and my god, how much better she sound, instead of the dry warbly crackle i used to get, its now a cool, crisp, metallic twang, as it should be. just had to say.
second, and back by popular demand (a whopping 5 comments (not including my own)). The seven deadly sins. now, i don't have the patience for the listing thing right now, but i do wish to propose something. As an ethical atheist (found the term on the interblag, and decided to keep it) I propose the removal of some and the addition of others.
To be Removed:
Pride: To put ones-self before the masses allows you to become an individual and makes you strong and allows you to find hapiness.
Greed: (My definition) A person with wants (that are healthy) should pursue them with their whole heart and mind
To be added:
Apathy: Not questioning the reason for everything, and not acting accordingly.
Vanity: the dark side of pride, thinking not of yourself as an individual but as thinking of yourself as something far better than those around you. these people often become so diluted in vanity that they often lose what they originally intended to gain.
Thrist for power: those who strive for power, don't get power. but instead they sacrifice themselves up so that people around them give them some of their power. people who attempt to gain power, end up losing their power as individuals and become the abritrary will of the masses. this is the flip side of greed.
Selflessness: those who offer themselves up to those around them lose their individualness and become whatever the masses need. this is the flip side of lust.
Addendum for November 3rd. I'm currently stranded at home with no way to get to school. everybody left, forgetting about me. sometimes being invisible can suck.
second, and back by popular demand (a whopping 5 comments (not including my own)). The seven deadly sins. now, i don't have the patience for the listing thing right now, but i do wish to propose something. As an ethical atheist (found the term on the interblag, and decided to keep it) I propose the removal of some and the addition of others.
To be Removed:
Pride: To put ones-self before the masses allows you to become an individual and makes you strong and allows you to find hapiness.
Greed: (My definition) A person with wants (that are healthy) should pursue them with their whole heart and mind
To be added:
Apathy: Not questioning the reason for everything, and not acting accordingly.
Vanity: the dark side of pride, thinking not of yourself as an individual but as thinking of yourself as something far better than those around you. these people often become so diluted in vanity that they often lose what they originally intended to gain.
Thrist for power: those who strive for power, don't get power. but instead they sacrifice themselves up so that people around them give them some of their power. people who attempt to gain power, end up losing their power as individuals and become the abritrary will of the masses. this is the flip side of greed.
Selflessness: those who offer themselves up to those around them lose their individualness and become whatever the masses need. this is the flip side of lust.
Addendum for November 3rd. I'm currently stranded at home with no way to get to school. everybody left, forgetting about me. sometimes being invisible can suck.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Anger Begets Anger Begets...
two things that frustrate the crap out of me. (PS: 2 posts today)
First up, Happened in theater today. somebody make a snarky comment about jenna and snuff. and ARGH, it was exactly like the choir thing from september. they're lucky i've learned to control myself, because they could be dead right now. they were saying how it was disgusting how jenna and snuff looked at each other, and UGH, when they were talking, I could almost see the word ENVY printed on their forehead. (crap, i'm going to add something about the deadly sins on the end now). The most frustrating thing of all was that, thinking back, this person had the same reaction when i brought Sarah to an event of the friends. it just frustrates me now to know what they were saying when i couldn't hear them.
second off, is my father. the man is one of the most frustrating people to know because he's to stubborn to admit a mistake to me. His sins would be PRIDE and WRATH. but he's the single most frustrating person ever (of course, he's really not all that bad... i guess there are worst things, i'm just flustered)
And since i brought it up, I might as well finish off this thought. The Seven Deadly Sins.
we all know 'em. Pride, Greed, Gluttony, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, and Lust.
now, we of course associate them with bad things, when in reality, they're quite good such as:
When we think of Greed, we think of money, but in reality, it's anyone who wants something and will do anything to get it. these people are passionate about what they wish to achieve.
Pride doesn't just mean good looks, it also means the persons understands their work and takes pride in doing the best they can. these people are hard-working.
Gluttony isn't always about food, but is one that you can't construe as a good thing. a Gluttonous person always takes more than they need, but this usually means (if were talking about money) they'll have a nice cushion if they get into trouble.
Slothful people usually think before acting, making them good strategists and great intellectuals (though often think then never act)
Envy means you want what others have, but tend to be very good at giving compliments and building people up (because they know all the good things they have)
Wrath doesn't mean your angry all the time. it means you become angry over many things. these people tend to make decisions and stick with them through thick and thin.
Lust is a desire to fill your needs. be it social or physical. these people tend to be straight forward.
Now for the more contraversal part of our show, where i match people with their sins based on unbiased observation.
first off, is of course...
James Mahaney. Sins: Greed, Pride, Sloth, Gluttony (NOTE: if you want an explaination of any of these, please just ask, and don't my head off for bringing this up. i think it's helpful to now your sins :D)(this are in descending order, first being predominate, there on being less)
Katie Baker. Sins: Wrath (very passivist, but never get on katies bad side, it's a bad place (i should know, but me and katie are past that now :D)), Pride.
Chris Cooper. Sins: Envy, Pride, Greed, Lust
Kelsy Coit. Sins: Envy, Lust
Ian Gorham. Sins: Sloth, Wrath, Lust
Sarah Wente. Sins: Envy, Wrath
Jenna Geris. Sins: Envy, Pride, Lust
(First off, i put envy up there alot, that's kind of odd i guess, next i'll decide to continue this later if i feel like it)
-James
First up, Happened in theater today. somebody make a snarky comment about jenna and snuff. and ARGH, it was exactly like the choir thing from september. they're lucky i've learned to control myself, because they could be dead right now. they were saying how it was disgusting how jenna and snuff looked at each other, and UGH, when they were talking, I could almost see the word ENVY printed on their forehead. (crap, i'm going to add something about the deadly sins on the end now). The most frustrating thing of all was that, thinking back, this person had the same reaction when i brought Sarah to an event of the friends. it just frustrates me now to know what they were saying when i couldn't hear them.
second off, is my father. the man is one of the most frustrating people to know because he's to stubborn to admit a mistake to me. His sins would be PRIDE and WRATH. but he's the single most frustrating person ever (of course, he's really not all that bad... i guess there are worst things, i'm just flustered)
And since i brought it up, I might as well finish off this thought. The Seven Deadly Sins.
we all know 'em. Pride, Greed, Gluttony, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, and Lust.
now, we of course associate them with bad things, when in reality, they're quite good such as:
When we think of Greed, we think of money, but in reality, it's anyone who wants something and will do anything to get it. these people are passionate about what they wish to achieve.
Pride doesn't just mean good looks, it also means the persons understands their work and takes pride in doing the best they can. these people are hard-working.
Gluttony isn't always about food, but is one that you can't construe as a good thing. a Gluttonous person always takes more than they need, but this usually means (if were talking about money) they'll have a nice cushion if they get into trouble.
Slothful people usually think before acting, making them good strategists and great intellectuals (though often think then never act)
Envy means you want what others have, but tend to be very good at giving compliments and building people up (because they know all the good things they have)
Wrath doesn't mean your angry all the time. it means you become angry over many things. these people tend to make decisions and stick with them through thick and thin.
Lust is a desire to fill your needs. be it social or physical. these people tend to be straight forward.
Now for the more contraversal part of our show, where i match people with their sins based on unbiased observation.
first off, is of course...
James Mahaney. Sins: Greed, Pride, Sloth, Gluttony (NOTE: if you want an explaination of any of these, please just ask, and don't my head off for bringing this up. i think it's helpful to now your sins :D)(this are in descending order, first being predominate, there on being less)
Katie Baker. Sins: Wrath (very passivist, but never get on katies bad side, it's a bad place (i should know, but me and katie are past that now :D)), Pride.
Chris Cooper. Sins: Envy, Pride, Greed, Lust
Kelsy Coit. Sins: Envy, Lust
Ian Gorham. Sins: Sloth, Wrath, Lust
Sarah Wente. Sins: Envy, Wrath
Jenna Geris. Sins: Envy, Pride, Lust
(First off, i put envy up there alot, that's kind of odd i guess, next i'll decide to continue this later if i feel like it)
-James
Holy Mother
I haven't posted in a while, which i must say is strange.
the odd thing is i haven't had the ongoing dialogue that often sparks me writing in this... which is also strange.
I guess one thing i've been thinking about is whether or not religion is still relevant.
I recently stumbled upon the ten commandments of ethical atheists and i have to say i couldn't agree more. (if you want to know what they are, i'm too lazy to go out and find them so... yeah)
I really don't have much else... but this whole jenna&snuff thing, which i have to say is by far the more awesome things that happened really. It reminds me of the Bricky thing i had, except neither of them are too much of a whore (I mean snuff's close but...). But it got me thinking, what made me develop this way? by this way, i've realized that i am terrified of women (not "eww cooties" but more like "oh my god, she'd never want to date a hideous beast like me") but i want to know how i got into that method of thinking. speaking of which, i do like theater james, for he is the le awesome.
-James
(PS: ...
the odd thing is i haven't had the ongoing dialogue that often sparks me writing in this... which is also strange.
I guess one thing i've been thinking about is whether or not religion is still relevant.
I recently stumbled upon the ten commandments of ethical atheists and i have to say i couldn't agree more. (if you want to know what they are, i'm too lazy to go out and find them so... yeah)
I really don't have much else... but this whole jenna&snuff thing, which i have to say is by far the more awesome things that happened really. It reminds me of the Bricky thing i had, except neither of them are too much of a whore (I mean snuff's close but...). But it got me thinking, what made me develop this way? by this way, i've realized that i am terrified of women (not "eww cooties" but more like "oh my god, she'd never want to date a hideous beast like me") but i want to know how i got into that method of thinking. speaking of which, i do like theater james, for he is the le awesome.
-James
(PS: ...
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
change, she is fickle
wow, this makes me quite sad. well not sad really, but it makes me realize how fast change can occur when you a resigned in the ideaology of change and are only changing how you're being changed.
I read through my last couple of posts, and realized how much in a different direction i'm going, well not really a new direction, but i guess how far i've come to the end of this valley of change. last month i was apathetic to emotion, let it hang out and die. now, i've come to realize that doesn't need to deny his own emotions, but know what is his own emotions, and the emotions of the people around him. last month i couldn't have cared less about anyone around me, now I understand that you have to be willing to give your life for friends, but never give your friends your life. That be selfish doesn't mean ignoring the emotions of those around you, but instead helping them with only the intent that you wish to help them at that moment, not to gain their trust or sympathy, and certainly not to make yourself look like a better person. in order to do something, you must stand behind it whole-heartedly. doing anything half-assed is basically not doing it in the first place.
change is a great thing, and i can't wait to see how far i come by the end of it.
I read through my last couple of posts, and realized how much in a different direction i'm going, well not really a new direction, but i guess how far i've come to the end of this valley of change. last month i was apathetic to emotion, let it hang out and die. now, i've come to realize that doesn't need to deny his own emotions, but know what is his own emotions, and the emotions of the people around him. last month i couldn't have cared less about anyone around me, now I understand that you have to be willing to give your life for friends, but never give your friends your life. That be selfish doesn't mean ignoring the emotions of those around you, but instead helping them with only the intent that you wish to help them at that moment, not to gain their trust or sympathy, and certainly not to make yourself look like a better person. in order to do something, you must stand behind it whole-heartedly. doing anything half-assed is basically not doing it in the first place.
change is a great thing, and i can't wait to see how far i come by the end of it.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Emotions.
First off, I would like to point out to those around me that I am changing, and that I personally admire this change and find that it is adding to my own character. If you are one who thinks otherwise, I would like to point out that all change is frightening (I myself was scared shitless when i heard my head utter the phrase "maybe God doesn't exist?").
Now, I would like to point out what i mean by changes. to those around me, it appears that i am becoming jaded (this was said by one of my dear friends and i do understand why she feels this way), but i find the opposite to be true. I am merely using my own of working through problems on everything. This method was actually stated in my last post, and is my own system of self-adapting protection. naturally, if anyone every asks about my problems, i will gladly tell them, and if i do need a friend to lean on, i will surely ask, but as of right now i am standing on my own 2 feet, and proud of it.
Recently I have focused this change on being more people oriented to people i love. I have redoubled my focus on "I would give my life for my friends, but i would never give my friends my life" I will do what makes me happy, and they will do what makes them happy, and if you the two collaborate, i will gladly help.
Some People have said that I am denying my emotion. I would like to thank those people for saying such a thing. as such i take back my previous statement that the past is irrelevant. I instead change with this statement, I do not deny my own emotions, and as such, I shall not and will not be guilted into feeling an emotion that i do not feel towards a subject. As such, I also revoke my statement on 9/11, and replace it with this, I feel, not sadness, but anger when talking about 9/11. this anger doesn't come from terrorists, but instead from the insane and unjust reactions of the american people (myself included), and i do not wish to memorialize such a day for it has dirtied the minds of some people to more prejudice against those of different religions (especially Muslims), ethniticities, and cultures. as such, I do not feel sadness, but anger at those took a day of mourning and made it into a rallying cry against terrorism, which is impossible to control or fight with out severly handicapping peoples all over the world. I feel that this is not denial, but instead acceptance my true feelings on the matter.
that's all for tonight (PS: 2 posts this week, i should keep this up)
Now, I would like to point out what i mean by changes. to those around me, it appears that i am becoming jaded (this was said by one of my dear friends and i do understand why she feels this way), but i find the opposite to be true. I am merely using my own of working through problems on everything. This method was actually stated in my last post, and is my own system of self-adapting protection. naturally, if anyone every asks about my problems, i will gladly tell them, and if i do need a friend to lean on, i will surely ask, but as of right now i am standing on my own 2 feet, and proud of it.
Recently I have focused this change on being more people oriented to people i love. I have redoubled my focus on "I would give my life for my friends, but i would never give my friends my life" I will do what makes me happy, and they will do what makes them happy, and if you the two collaborate, i will gladly help.
Some People have said that I am denying my emotion. I would like to thank those people for saying such a thing. as such i take back my previous statement that the past is irrelevant. I instead change with this statement, I do not deny my own emotions, and as such, I shall not and will not be guilted into feeling an emotion that i do not feel towards a subject. As such, I also revoke my statement on 9/11, and replace it with this, I feel, not sadness, but anger when talking about 9/11. this anger doesn't come from terrorists, but instead from the insane and unjust reactions of the american people (myself included), and i do not wish to memorialize such a day for it has dirtied the minds of some people to more prejudice against those of different religions (especially Muslims), ethniticities, and cultures. as such, I do not feel sadness, but anger at those took a day of mourning and made it into a rallying cry against terrorism, which is impossible to control or fight with out severly handicapping peoples all over the world. I feel that this is not denial, but instead acceptance my true feelings on the matter.
that's all for tonight (PS: 2 posts this week, i should keep this up)
Monday, October 6, 2008
Self-adapting protection
I realize that my mind has a system of auto-self-regulation. whenever i fall into a bout of depression (As I did last night) It forces me to work out my problems thru false communication. I sit there and have a conversation with my own mind, and by the time i'm done, i'm feeling chipper as a chipmunk.
naturally, it does make me a little frustrated that i rarely ever share my problems with people because of this system, but they're problems i've worked through before (usually) and doesn't require the help of others.
Another thing that frustrates me is my apparent lack of friends. I mean, yeah, i have alot of friends, but only a handful would step up to the plate and invite me to things, (Okay, only one really steps up time and time again) but sadly they never really insist on my presence, I doubt that even half the time they ask. however, yet again, i have already worked past the depression from this and am now looking for a solution.
that's all for now.
naturally, it does make me a little frustrated that i rarely ever share my problems with people because of this system, but they're problems i've worked through before (usually) and doesn't require the help of others.
Another thing that frustrates me is my apparent lack of friends. I mean, yeah, i have alot of friends, but only a handful would step up to the plate and invite me to things, (Okay, only one really steps up time and time again) but sadly they never really insist on my presence, I doubt that even half the time they ask. however, yet again, i have already worked past the depression from this and am now looking for a solution.
that's all for now.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Selfish v. selfless
I keep being told that selflessness is the correct path, that in order to be a good person, one must be selfless.
I disagree, this is not the ideals that this country was built nor that i understand to be true. right about now, if you're reading this, you're probably freaking out about what i just said and ready to ram it down my throat, hear me out. this country was built on the ideal that every man has rights that are impossible to take away from him: among those being his right to live, his right to liberty, and his right to happiness. I don't know about you, but if we were built on selfless ideals instead of these selfish ideals, our Declaration would've gone like this: Man has rights to life, liberty, and happiness; but this can and should be given up in the case where your rights interfere with the well-being of your fellow man. doesn't have the same ring to it, does it?
now why do i understand that a selfish man is in the right, and a selfless man is in the wrong. while it is true that a selfish man doesn't give to charity or help his fellow man (which are apparently virtues of goodness) he doesn't and won't impede on them, and will never force his ideals, or allow the peoples ideals to be forced on him; his only goal is his own ambition. still sound sucky to you? a selfless man is any man who has no will, only the will of those around him. sounds like a great guy, no? he isn't, every corrupt dictator, politician, and lawyer is included in this group. but how is that possible? those people are "EVIL", they aren't selfless, but instead selfish. I say this is incorrect, while this people are driven by ambition, their ambition is to gain power, and what is power but what is power but a trade off of own's abilities to gain the trust (or power) of those around him. all he ends up becoming is a mirror of the ambitions around him, thus he is truly selfless.
now the point of a selfish person not giving his time, talent, or treasure to those around him, this must make him bad. what is charity but a means to bring down others to try and "help" the lowest of the low. but what are your thoughts when you give to charity? would you want people to just give you money? a man is entitled to the sweat of his own brow, not to the sweat of another. charity is just another form of selflessness. a truly charitable person stops being who they are to serve the people around him. but what about the people around him? what do they do with it? do they become independent? no, they simply become the same as the man who helped them, but with less means. does this make them good people? I personally would be frightened of this society. a person acting off of what the man next to him thinks, that man acting off of what the man next to him thinks, and that next man doing the same on into infinity, until no action has any person or group that caused it, it just happens. that's when the majority stops being individuals, and becomes an ocean, crushing all who opposes their ideals of no ideals.
I had a dream last night about this, a demon who wishes to crush people, so he creates a world where he has power over everyone. eventually what happens is that man becomes nothing but a husk, having no purpose but to please or anger his people, which is impossible unless he wishes them to be angry or pleased.
Every selfish man sees that every man has the ability to do what he wishes. to be independent. and the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit.
I disagree, this is not the ideals that this country was built nor that i understand to be true. right about now, if you're reading this, you're probably freaking out about what i just said and ready to ram it down my throat, hear me out. this country was built on the ideal that every man has rights that are impossible to take away from him: among those being his right to live, his right to liberty, and his right to happiness. I don't know about you, but if we were built on selfless ideals instead of these selfish ideals, our Declaration would've gone like this: Man has rights to life, liberty, and happiness; but this can and should be given up in the case where your rights interfere with the well-being of your fellow man. doesn't have the same ring to it, does it?
now why do i understand that a selfish man is in the right, and a selfless man is in the wrong. while it is true that a selfish man doesn't give to charity or help his fellow man (which are apparently virtues of goodness) he doesn't and won't impede on them, and will never force his ideals, or allow the peoples ideals to be forced on him; his only goal is his own ambition. still sound sucky to you? a selfless man is any man who has no will, only the will of those around him. sounds like a great guy, no? he isn't, every corrupt dictator, politician, and lawyer is included in this group. but how is that possible? those people are "EVIL", they aren't selfless, but instead selfish. I say this is incorrect, while this people are driven by ambition, their ambition is to gain power, and what is power but what is power but a trade off of own's abilities to gain the trust (or power) of those around him. all he ends up becoming is a mirror of the ambitions around him, thus he is truly selfless.
now the point of a selfish person not giving his time, talent, or treasure to those around him, this must make him bad. what is charity but a means to bring down others to try and "help" the lowest of the low. but what are your thoughts when you give to charity? would you want people to just give you money? a man is entitled to the sweat of his own brow, not to the sweat of another. charity is just another form of selflessness. a truly charitable person stops being who they are to serve the people around him. but what about the people around him? what do they do with it? do they become independent? no, they simply become the same as the man who helped them, but with less means. does this make them good people? I personally would be frightened of this society. a person acting off of what the man next to him thinks, that man acting off of what the man next to him thinks, and that next man doing the same on into infinity, until no action has any person or group that caused it, it just happens. that's when the majority stops being individuals, and becomes an ocean, crushing all who opposes their ideals of no ideals.
I had a dream last night about this, a demon who wishes to crush people, so he creates a world where he has power over everyone. eventually what happens is that man becomes nothing but a husk, having no purpose but to please or anger his people, which is impossible unless he wishes them to be angry or pleased.
Every selfish man sees that every man has the ability to do what he wishes. to be independent. and the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Thursday
I couldn't think of a title.
today i experimented with forceful movement, making every single movement take up a larger percentage of my mind, make it all deliberate. It started when i stood up in lunch and just stopped moving. (I'm fairly certain Katie Moen gave me a couple of weird looks, and i'm fairly positive she know questions my sanity (just like everyone else)) The ridiculous feeling from not moving (whilst standing) is quadrupled when you start moving with that same deliberate thought process (naturally i walked at about 1/4 my normal pace). it was awesome to experience.
I've started to act around my friends like they were family (thus them thinking i'm a jerk), now with most people, this would mean they trust their friends. this just means that i'm treating with the same annoying backwards logic that i use around my parents to piss them off :D. Sometimes i don't even understand what or why i do things, but all of my movements are becoming far more deliberate, and i think i'm becoming a far better person for it :D.
One of the reasons that i've been called a jerk recently is that one 9/11 i had the audacity (yes, the audacity, the aw mika gika gah) to say that it was irrelevant. naturally, I was given a fair amount of guilting, but i still stand by what i said, the past is irrevelant, the past is the past for a reason. the families that were affected have already adjusted (technically, it takes 8 days to acclimate to any new situation), and will they might still mourn it, why in the hell should i? it didn't affect me, nor has it to this very day. I don't care anymore, mostly because of it's ripple effect, the death of thousands of innocents shouldn't have been payed back by the death of a single innocent anywhere else. when we went to Afghanistan, we were justified and in fact held back in what we should have done. but when we shifted focus to Iraq with 9/11 as our banner, we were no longer justified (no al-qaeda there) and thus the name of 9/11 became irrelevant, just a empty name that politicians used to justifie their selfish motivations. thus, irrelevant.
today i experimented with forceful movement, making every single movement take up a larger percentage of my mind, make it all deliberate. It started when i stood up in lunch and just stopped moving. (I'm fairly certain Katie Moen gave me a couple of weird looks, and i'm fairly positive she know questions my sanity (just like everyone else)) The ridiculous feeling from not moving (whilst standing) is quadrupled when you start moving with that same deliberate thought process (naturally i walked at about 1/4 my normal pace). it was awesome to experience.
I've started to act around my friends like they were family (thus them thinking i'm a jerk), now with most people, this would mean they trust their friends. this just means that i'm treating with the same annoying backwards logic that i use around my parents to piss them off :D. Sometimes i don't even understand what or why i do things, but all of my movements are becoming far more deliberate, and i think i'm becoming a far better person for it :D.
One of the reasons that i've been called a jerk recently is that one 9/11 i had the audacity (yes, the audacity, the aw mika gika gah) to say that it was irrelevant. naturally, I was given a fair amount of guilting, but i still stand by what i said, the past is irrevelant, the past is the past for a reason. the families that were affected have already adjusted (technically, it takes 8 days to acclimate to any new situation), and will they might still mourn it, why in the hell should i? it didn't affect me, nor has it to this very day. I don't care anymore, mostly because of it's ripple effect, the death of thousands of innocents shouldn't have been payed back by the death of a single innocent anywhere else. when we went to Afghanistan, we were justified and in fact held back in what we should have done. but when we shifted focus to Iraq with 9/11 as our banner, we were no longer justified (no al-qaeda there) and thus the name of 9/11 became irrelevant, just a empty name that politicians used to justifie their selfish motivations. thus, irrelevant.
Monday, September 15, 2008
perserverance
today i was called a jerk by multiple people. you know what? I guess most people could say that, and i don't get angry. I have no idea why, i mean someone as sympathetic and empathetic as me being called a jerk? i should be down-right insulted, right? But I find myself very comfortable in the idea, that it's something that people will think and i don't care.
I guess i'm beginning to train myself to being apathetic, not bottling my emotions, but them whither and die from no attention. I guess i simply don't care anymore, now that i can see my goal, i've stopped bothering with things that won't help me. Such as driving, always thought of it as something that was optional and not necessary, which is true. mostly because it doesn't fit with becoming an animator. it's quite strange how my thoughts are beginning to center more and more on how something will get me closer or farther away from my ultimate goal.
it's frigthening how acute this thought has become, allowing me to shut out other distractions for the first time in my life. I'm finally giving women no second thought (which i've been attempting to learn how to do for the past 5 years) and i find myself secure in that ideaology.
it's quite comfortable finally reaching the opther side of this part of myself. i find that the older i become, i don't 180 on how i used to be, but instead kept moving in that direction until i reached a comfortable and natural position. such as religion, I used to big into god, and as i got older, i grew in my faith. then after all that growth, i looked around and realized that it was a crock of bull, but i was still the same person who walked through the haze. perhaps it's a journey through a dark valley that changes us, but when we get to the hill on the other side, though changed and scarred, we're no longer frightened of the next dark valley.
well, that be it
I guess i'm beginning to train myself to being apathetic, not bottling my emotions, but them whither and die from no attention. I guess i simply don't care anymore, now that i can see my goal, i've stopped bothering with things that won't help me. Such as driving, always thought of it as something that was optional and not necessary, which is true. mostly because it doesn't fit with becoming an animator. it's quite strange how my thoughts are beginning to center more and more on how something will get me closer or farther away from my ultimate goal.
it's frigthening how acute this thought has become, allowing me to shut out other distractions for the first time in my life. I'm finally giving women no second thought (which i've been attempting to learn how to do for the past 5 years) and i find myself secure in that ideaology.
it's quite comfortable finally reaching the opther side of this part of myself. i find that the older i become, i don't 180 on how i used to be, but instead kept moving in that direction until i reached a comfortable and natural position. such as religion, I used to big into god, and as i got older, i grew in my faith. then after all that growth, i looked around and realized that it was a crock of bull, but i was still the same person who walked through the haze. perhaps it's a journey through a dark valley that changes us, but when we get to the hill on the other side, though changed and scarred, we're no longer frightened of the next dark valley.
well, that be it
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Movement
I currently have a writing assignment i need to do, but i guess i need to get this off my shoulders before i can concentrate, so, here goes.
My topic this evening is passion. the why to what we do. this was brought to my attention by people who were making fun of the people as they were leaving choir. their conversation went like something like this (NOTE: my memory has played with this due to the passion i was feeling at the time, so it's not an accurate record, but it'll get the point across)
"MY GOD, I can't even tell when class is over"
"I know, i hear the bell go off, but everyone just keeps singing"
"exactly, they just need to learn to shut up (NOTE: not accurate)"
"Yeah, you don't hear anybody coming out of math class rattling off equations"
You get the point (I would also like to note that I was extremely close to putting these two into the ICU, but, I managed to restrain myself). what this made me think on why i was so offended. Now i have it, and am going to share it with you. the reason is because they're making fun of people because they were moved, because they showed their emotions and let themselves have fun around other people. I'm glad of this fact, because it means that someone's as moved about it as I am. I hope to God that what these people wished would never occur to our choir, that's what makes so much different from those below, it's got more passion, and is far more fun and energetic, it doesn't feel like an extension of the rest of school.
I also figured out why else i was so offended, because of the way they compared it to the other classes, I'm moved by all learning. I thrive on learning, so i was also offended by the negative way in which they compared it to other classes. Because I DO leave other classes with such this passion, naturally an interior passion (passionately shouting how much you love something amongst a ton of people who hate it will get you some looks(and i don't need another reason for people to think i'm crazy)).
onto a different topic, i seem to be having far more violent reactions to seemingly harmless things (NOTE: not actual actions, but mental actions). such as i hold everyone in contempt when walking down the halls for impeding my movement, but it seems when one of these fools makes eye-contact with me, i can clearly visualize about a hundred ways i can easily kill them, all in 1080i digital HD. This version of myself finds that version frightening and appalling, prehaps i should learn to let go of my hate.
on a different subject, since i always seem to show my love or frustration on this. I am currently not seeking anyone nor seeing anyone, and i am oddly content. it's like all of that bewildered teenage hormones have finally been laid to rest, and i can live the rest of my live in peace.
that's all for tonight, for those afar and those close to home, have a wonderfully evening.
(PS: I will try to work on the creepy serial killer thoughts thing)
My topic this evening is passion. the why to what we do. this was brought to my attention by people who were making fun of the people as they were leaving choir. their conversation went like something like this (NOTE: my memory has played with this due to the passion i was feeling at the time, so it's not an accurate record, but it'll get the point across)
"MY GOD, I can't even tell when class is over"
"I know, i hear the bell go off, but everyone just keeps singing"
"exactly, they just need to learn to shut up (NOTE: not accurate)"
"Yeah, you don't hear anybody coming out of math class rattling off equations"
You get the point (I would also like to note that I was extremely close to putting these two into the ICU, but, I managed to restrain myself). what this made me think on why i was so offended. Now i have it, and am going to share it with you. the reason is because they're making fun of people because they were moved, because they showed their emotions and let themselves have fun around other people. I'm glad of this fact, because it means that someone's as moved about it as I am. I hope to God that what these people wished would never occur to our choir, that's what makes so much different from those below, it's got more passion, and is far more fun and energetic, it doesn't feel like an extension of the rest of school.
I also figured out why else i was so offended, because of the way they compared it to the other classes, I'm moved by all learning. I thrive on learning, so i was also offended by the negative way in which they compared it to other classes. Because I DO leave other classes with such this passion, naturally an interior passion (passionately shouting how much you love something amongst a ton of people who hate it will get you some looks(and i don't need another reason for people to think i'm crazy)).
onto a different topic, i seem to be having far more violent reactions to seemingly harmless things (NOTE: not actual actions, but mental actions). such as i hold everyone in contempt when walking down the halls for impeding my movement, but it seems when one of these fools makes eye-contact with me, i can clearly visualize about a hundred ways i can easily kill them, all in 1080i digital HD. This version of myself finds that version frightening and appalling, prehaps i should learn to let go of my hate.
on a different subject, since i always seem to show my love or frustration on this. I am currently not seeking anyone nor seeing anyone, and i am oddly content. it's like all of that bewildered teenage hormones have finally been laid to rest, and i can live the rest of my live in peace.
that's all for tonight, for those afar and those close to home, have a wonderfully evening.
(PS: I will try to work on the creepy serial killer thoughts thing)
Saturday, August 16, 2008
not having a social life... sucks
i realized that not being to be with people on a real person to person level is starting to affect my head. not too long ago i was able to catch onto the subtleties that people made using emotion. i could even do this whilst reading the written word. now it appears that quite the opposite is true and when people use emotions instead of words to describe what they mean, i get utterly confused and dizzy. it's like i see all of the options that i know for the word, but i can't lock down on one anymore, so i'm left with thirteen different options that mean entirely different things, and i have to ask what the person means just to understand. this would be so much easier if i had practice with people again, understanding the way they say something so i'm confident with the meaning. (it's like my brother when he asked me what the line "I want two arms that want to hold me, not Hold me" meant, because he was confused by denying what was just said. this is easy of course, the first means to support and comfort, and second is to restrain, simple and easy interpretation of 2 of the thousands of meanings for the word hold). i do actually get the feeling that some people don't understand this concept and don't quite get how to choose words correctly to fit what they're trying to say.
and now for something completely different:
I CAN'T SLEEP!!!
it's strange, but for one reason or another i can't sleep, and when i do, it's just one, seemingly short, dream. the dream changes each time but i remember it all when i wake up. it's beginning to freak me out, and i think i'm going insane... so i guess it ain't that bad :D.
and now for something that may or may not be different:
Ai Kora fucking rocks my socks off. for those of you utterly confused (should be the vast majority) it is a comic i finished in one my recent bouts of insomnia, and it is farking sweet.
here is a link:
here
it should take you 9 hours to read through (though i was 50% crazy at the time, so maybe less)
and now for something completely different:
I CAN'T SLEEP!!!
it's strange, but for one reason or another i can't sleep, and when i do, it's just one, seemingly short, dream. the dream changes each time but i remember it all when i wake up. it's beginning to freak me out, and i think i'm going insane... so i guess it ain't that bad :D.
and now for something that may or may not be different:
Ai Kora fucking rocks my socks off. for those of you utterly confused (should be the vast majority) it is a comic i finished in one my recent bouts of insomnia, and it is farking sweet.
here is a link:
here
it should take you 9 hours to read through (though i was 50% crazy at the time, so maybe less)
Monday, August 11, 2008
It hit me
I'm a Senior,
which is good and bad, because now i have exactly 1 year to hang out with my current friends before they go away.
sad story, but oh well, i'll just need to hang out with them more.
now on to a different topic entirely,
flying in dreams KICK ASS, it is just about the most mind blowing experience i've ever had, too bad the longest in dream flight time i've logged is 10 seconds, which sucks because it's such a great feeling. anywho...
and now for something completely different:
Never eat a 2 lbs hamburger thats been cooked well done, it is not a happy experience to have to eat 2 lbs of charcoal, EVER. it sucked, but i got a shirt (which is too small for me). but anywho.
if god was a monkey, i'd be a zoo.
but that doesn't matter.
but Pokemon kicks asstesticals (yes, it's a word :D)
serious, it just plain rules.
but anyways... i'm anxious to see my schedule for this coming up year, i seem to have forgotten what i have taken for some reason or another... oh, well.
i've had nightmares recently about this coming up school year, mostly how taking pre-calc again will be like... i'm really nervous because i hate homework and that's all that math seems to be these days, i've never had to worry about failing math because it was my forte, then i went and failed it three times in a row (GOD I HATE MYSELF FOR THAT) that was the only honors class i landed myself in coming out of middle school and i managed to fuck it up (more like it fucked me up (I FUCKING HATE THAT TEACHER))
but on a lighter note, i was finally able to blog again (stupid google taking over blogger and what not)
which is good and bad, because now i have exactly 1 year to hang out with my current friends before they go away.
sad story, but oh well, i'll just need to hang out with them more.
now on to a different topic entirely,
flying in dreams KICK ASS, it is just about the most mind blowing experience i've ever had, too bad the longest in dream flight time i've logged is 10 seconds, which sucks because it's such a great feeling. anywho...
and now for something completely different:
Never eat a 2 lbs hamburger thats been cooked well done, it is not a happy experience to have to eat 2 lbs of charcoal, EVER. it sucked, but i got a shirt (which is too small for me). but anywho.
if god was a monkey, i'd be a zoo.
but that doesn't matter.
but Pokemon kicks asstesticals (yes, it's a word :D)
serious, it just plain rules.
but anyways... i'm anxious to see my schedule for this coming up year, i seem to have forgotten what i have taken for some reason or another... oh, well.
i've had nightmares recently about this coming up school year, mostly how taking pre-calc again will be like... i'm really nervous because i hate homework and that's all that math seems to be these days, i've never had to worry about failing math because it was my forte, then i went and failed it three times in a row (GOD I HATE MYSELF FOR THAT) that was the only honors class i landed myself in coming out of middle school and i managed to fuck it up (more like it fucked me up (I FUCKING HATE THAT TEACHER))
but on a lighter note, i was finally able to blog again (stupid google taking over blogger and what not)
Thursday, July 10, 2008
If God was a Biscuit, What would that make ME?
Today I have realized absolutely nothing, but i have learned things recently...
I have come to understand that my true problem with friends is not them or me. It's trust, Trust that makes such a barrier betwixt me and other people. i tend to trust people too much, to the point where i think that they'll invite me to things after a very short time of knowing them. this makes them think that i don't care what happens (even if i do) and creates a barrier between me and them... but i have become more aggressive in this stand point in hopes that i can change this. so that's good
I have come to understand that my true problem with friends is not them or me. It's trust, Trust that makes such a barrier betwixt me and other people. i tend to trust people too much, to the point where i think that they'll invite me to things after a very short time of knowing them. this makes them think that i don't care what happens (even if i do) and creates a barrier between me and them... but i have become more aggressive in this stand point in hopes that i can change this. so that's good
I also have realized that His Dark Materials fucking rocks
which makes it awesome,
and rocking,
and it makes you get that feeling inside of true purity,
true clarity,
true and pure...
Love
it's freaking amazing.
next off, i have decided that i am abandoning organized religion.
it's stupid, ignorant and absolutely retarded.
but oh well
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
