I couldn't think of a title.
today i experimented with forceful movement, making every single movement take up a larger percentage of my mind, make it all deliberate. It started when i stood up in lunch and just stopped moving. (I'm fairly certain Katie Moen gave me a couple of weird looks, and i'm fairly positive she know questions my sanity (just like everyone else)) The ridiculous feeling from not moving (whilst standing) is quadrupled when you start moving with that same deliberate thought process (naturally i walked at about 1/4 my normal pace). it was awesome to experience.
I've started to act around my friends like they were family (thus them thinking i'm a jerk), now with most people, this would mean they trust their friends. this just means that i'm treating with the same annoying backwards logic that i use around my parents to piss them off :D. Sometimes i don't even understand what or why i do things, but all of my movements are becoming far more deliberate, and i think i'm becoming a far better person for it :D.
One of the reasons that i've been called a jerk recently is that one 9/11 i had the audacity (yes, the audacity, the aw mika gika gah) to say that it was irrelevant. naturally, I was given a fair amount of guilting, but i still stand by what i said, the past is irrevelant, the past is the past for a reason. the families that were affected have already adjusted (technically, it takes 8 days to acclimate to any new situation), and will they might still mourn it, why in the hell should i? it didn't affect me, nor has it to this very day. I don't care anymore, mostly because of it's ripple effect, the death of thousands of innocents shouldn't have been payed back by the death of a single innocent anywhere else. when we went to Afghanistan, we were justified and in fact held back in what we should have done. but when we shifted focus to Iraq with 9/11 as our banner, we were no longer justified (no al-qaeda there) and thus the name of 9/11 became irrelevant, just a empty name that politicians used to justifie their selfish motivations. thus, irrelevant.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
perserverance
today i was called a jerk by multiple people. you know what? I guess most people could say that, and i don't get angry. I have no idea why, i mean someone as sympathetic and empathetic as me being called a jerk? i should be down-right insulted, right? But I find myself very comfortable in the idea, that it's something that people will think and i don't care.
I guess i'm beginning to train myself to being apathetic, not bottling my emotions, but them whither and die from no attention. I guess i simply don't care anymore, now that i can see my goal, i've stopped bothering with things that won't help me. Such as driving, always thought of it as something that was optional and not necessary, which is true. mostly because it doesn't fit with becoming an animator. it's quite strange how my thoughts are beginning to center more and more on how something will get me closer or farther away from my ultimate goal.
it's frigthening how acute this thought has become, allowing me to shut out other distractions for the first time in my life. I'm finally giving women no second thought (which i've been attempting to learn how to do for the past 5 years) and i find myself secure in that ideaology.
it's quite comfortable finally reaching the opther side of this part of myself. i find that the older i become, i don't 180 on how i used to be, but instead kept moving in that direction until i reached a comfortable and natural position. such as religion, I used to big into god, and as i got older, i grew in my faith. then after all that growth, i looked around and realized that it was a crock of bull, but i was still the same person who walked through the haze. perhaps it's a journey through a dark valley that changes us, but when we get to the hill on the other side, though changed and scarred, we're no longer frightened of the next dark valley.
well, that be it
I guess i'm beginning to train myself to being apathetic, not bottling my emotions, but them whither and die from no attention. I guess i simply don't care anymore, now that i can see my goal, i've stopped bothering with things that won't help me. Such as driving, always thought of it as something that was optional and not necessary, which is true. mostly because it doesn't fit with becoming an animator. it's quite strange how my thoughts are beginning to center more and more on how something will get me closer or farther away from my ultimate goal.
it's frigthening how acute this thought has become, allowing me to shut out other distractions for the first time in my life. I'm finally giving women no second thought (which i've been attempting to learn how to do for the past 5 years) and i find myself secure in that ideaology.
it's quite comfortable finally reaching the opther side of this part of myself. i find that the older i become, i don't 180 on how i used to be, but instead kept moving in that direction until i reached a comfortable and natural position. such as religion, I used to big into god, and as i got older, i grew in my faith. then after all that growth, i looked around and realized that it was a crock of bull, but i was still the same person who walked through the haze. perhaps it's a journey through a dark valley that changes us, but when we get to the hill on the other side, though changed and scarred, we're no longer frightened of the next dark valley.
well, that be it
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Movement
I currently have a writing assignment i need to do, but i guess i need to get this off my shoulders before i can concentrate, so, here goes.
My topic this evening is passion. the why to what we do. this was brought to my attention by people who were making fun of the people as they were leaving choir. their conversation went like something like this (NOTE: my memory has played with this due to the passion i was feeling at the time, so it's not an accurate record, but it'll get the point across)
"MY GOD, I can't even tell when class is over"
"I know, i hear the bell go off, but everyone just keeps singing"
"exactly, they just need to learn to shut up (NOTE: not accurate)"
"Yeah, you don't hear anybody coming out of math class rattling off equations"
You get the point (I would also like to note that I was extremely close to putting these two into the ICU, but, I managed to restrain myself). what this made me think on why i was so offended. Now i have it, and am going to share it with you. the reason is because they're making fun of people because they were moved, because they showed their emotions and let themselves have fun around other people. I'm glad of this fact, because it means that someone's as moved about it as I am. I hope to God that what these people wished would never occur to our choir, that's what makes so much different from those below, it's got more passion, and is far more fun and energetic, it doesn't feel like an extension of the rest of school.
I also figured out why else i was so offended, because of the way they compared it to the other classes, I'm moved by all learning. I thrive on learning, so i was also offended by the negative way in which they compared it to other classes. Because I DO leave other classes with such this passion, naturally an interior passion (passionately shouting how much you love something amongst a ton of people who hate it will get you some looks(and i don't need another reason for people to think i'm crazy)).
onto a different topic, i seem to be having far more violent reactions to seemingly harmless things (NOTE: not actual actions, but mental actions). such as i hold everyone in contempt when walking down the halls for impeding my movement, but it seems when one of these fools makes eye-contact with me, i can clearly visualize about a hundred ways i can easily kill them, all in 1080i digital HD. This version of myself finds that version frightening and appalling, prehaps i should learn to let go of my hate.
on a different subject, since i always seem to show my love or frustration on this. I am currently not seeking anyone nor seeing anyone, and i am oddly content. it's like all of that bewildered teenage hormones have finally been laid to rest, and i can live the rest of my live in peace.
that's all for tonight, for those afar and those close to home, have a wonderfully evening.
(PS: I will try to work on the creepy serial killer thoughts thing)
My topic this evening is passion. the why to what we do. this was brought to my attention by people who were making fun of the people as they were leaving choir. their conversation went like something like this (NOTE: my memory has played with this due to the passion i was feeling at the time, so it's not an accurate record, but it'll get the point across)
"MY GOD, I can't even tell when class is over"
"I know, i hear the bell go off, but everyone just keeps singing"
"exactly, they just need to learn to shut up (NOTE: not accurate)"
"Yeah, you don't hear anybody coming out of math class rattling off equations"
You get the point (I would also like to note that I was extremely close to putting these two into the ICU, but, I managed to restrain myself). what this made me think on why i was so offended. Now i have it, and am going to share it with you. the reason is because they're making fun of people because they were moved, because they showed their emotions and let themselves have fun around other people. I'm glad of this fact, because it means that someone's as moved about it as I am. I hope to God that what these people wished would never occur to our choir, that's what makes so much different from those below, it's got more passion, and is far more fun and energetic, it doesn't feel like an extension of the rest of school.
I also figured out why else i was so offended, because of the way they compared it to the other classes, I'm moved by all learning. I thrive on learning, so i was also offended by the negative way in which they compared it to other classes. Because I DO leave other classes with such this passion, naturally an interior passion (passionately shouting how much you love something amongst a ton of people who hate it will get you some looks(and i don't need another reason for people to think i'm crazy)).
onto a different topic, i seem to be having far more violent reactions to seemingly harmless things (NOTE: not actual actions, but mental actions). such as i hold everyone in contempt when walking down the halls for impeding my movement, but it seems when one of these fools makes eye-contact with me, i can clearly visualize about a hundred ways i can easily kill them, all in 1080i digital HD. This version of myself finds that version frightening and appalling, prehaps i should learn to let go of my hate.
on a different subject, since i always seem to show my love or frustration on this. I am currently not seeking anyone nor seeing anyone, and i am oddly content. it's like all of that bewildered teenage hormones have finally been laid to rest, and i can live the rest of my live in peace.
that's all for tonight, for those afar and those close to home, have a wonderfully evening.
(PS: I will try to work on the creepy serial killer thoughts thing)
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