A new day

It has been a long time since I've posted on this blog, a god-awfully long time. Today, I decided to take it out of the shelf, blow off the dust, and use it to kick some ass. Before I start, you may (if you can remember that far back) notice that some of the later posts are missing (none of the controversial ones) and that is because I wanted this to be clean and to get back on track right off the bat.

So, Three cheers for blog restart. Hip-hip, HOORAY! Hip-hip, hooray? hip-hip, hoora-I-don't-care.

Now that we're off to such a great start, let's start by playing a game of catch-up.

Since the last post I have: Graduated High school, started school, got delayed in starting school due to monies, got a shitty job, started school for reals, got a real job, got a new(to me) car, and returned to normal soceity after a near full year of me aimlessly wondering through the abyss of days attempting to avoid thinking.

Good, Catch up complete. Onto the main event, OUR PHILOSOPHICAL JOURNEY INTO JAMES' MIND!!!!

Today's subject: THE "X" FACTOR IN RELATIONSHIPS

Now, as you all know, I am no guru when it comes to relationships or love, but I have been known to shed some light on certain subjects in the past, due in part to my vast intellect and willingness to sacrifice my sanity for useless pieces of information (run-on sentence is long). The useless piece of information in this particular discussion is the "X" factor, labelled thusly for I had no other name for it.

When it comes to relationships, people are morons (not calling you a moron, just people in general) from not knowing how to start a relationship (me) all the way to not knowing what a real relationship is beyond the physical parts. And one of the symptoms of that idiocy is the inability to accurately judge what makes the difference between a friend and a partner/lover thing (girlfriend in my case, but you know, broader term). Ladies and gentleman(yes, there is only one of you, because I said so), I have discovered what it is. Obviously, the "X" factor.

Beyond the purely physical attraction, people tend to look for a partner with a quality that they often can't discern (which is frustrating for everyone) but it's often described as "I just feel different with him" or "I can be myself around her" or even "that hermaphrodite(Hey, I don't judge) makes me feel safe, which is odd due to their terrifying number of sex organs". I have figured out what that indiscernible quality is(*JAMES!!!! STOP STRINGING US ALONG) ... okay, I will, I just need some back story now (*UGHH, A$$H0L3). Backstory: remember when I said that people's personalities are like trees(found here) well I theorized at that time was that it required a force, either inner or outer, to make a split. What I didn't say was that I believed the majority of these forces came from relationships with people (ie, friends, intimate relationships, or family) and that inner ones were usually useless unless mirrored in an outer force (actually, that part was newer, noticed in reread), like if you say you're quitting drugs, but still hang out with all your drug using friends, you're probably not going to be able to change.

Well, all of that brought me to this theory that was formulated in some more back story (which will be posted below) and caused me to realize that maybe people look for a change in themselves when they look for an intimate relationship. That's the "X" factor, that personality split caused by the other person. Now, let me explain before I lose you. Using a personal example, my last relationship, we shall examine this "X" factor together.

When I met my last Girlfriend (who shall be known as Y from here on out), I was at the state fair with a very close friend of mine. He was meeting a girl there and she had some friends with her and good times we're guaranteed for all. When I finally met this group of people, Y stuck out to me as a tall vixen and someone I would never had a shot with. It wasn't until a few hours and the infamous "Do you like my friend?" question later and I realized I stood a chance with this girl that I couldn't stop being around/flirting with this girl. When I started to think on this in the back story included later, I thought of how confident it made me feel, being able to flirt with this girl who was way out of my perceived league, and it made me realize that when we started to date a few years later, it was that confidence that I had when I was around her that attracted me to her merely beyond a friendship. That was my "X" factor in that relationship.

But let's take it a step further, does the "X" factor go both ways, is it really that extra connection that turns friends into relationships? For that, let's examine Y herself. Now, since Y has been aloof since we broke up, I don't know that actual reason for why she would be attracted to me, but I can guess (I did date the girl, after all). I'm thinking that it was that around me she felt safe, she felt like nothing would come to harm her, sort of like I was a safe-harbor that she could back to (I will explain why below). Now, this theory makes sense for our relationship, for it was obviously present, but for it to be a sound theory, it also has to be linked to why relationships break down. When Y broke up with me (yes, I was the dumped, not the dumper), it was because of a fiasco of a last date that we had (I believe), in which I took her on an all-night lock-in when she was sick, when her mother didn't really approve, and when she wasn't 100% certain she wanted to go. When I pushed her to go, all of the resulting consequences (her not feeling well all-night, her mother undoubtedly getting pissed at her the next day, and her just feeling shitty about betraying her mother) painted me as a bad-boy, someone who meant that she would have to break rules to be with, and that didn't fit with what she saw in me (as the good guy protector) and ultimately caused a break-down of communication, of intimacy, and of our relationship.

So to recap, "X" factor is a part of your personality that is enhanced/made when you are around a certain person that leads to attraction if it's a big enough of a change (doesn't to be positive either, you just have to feel "different" around them).

Examples: My best friend's longest relationship. Call him A, her B. A was just getting out of a relationship where he didn't feel active enough in getting to know the girl (my fault) and was looking for someone who made him feel like he could protect them (also, probably cause of me). B wasn't looking for a relationship, since she had recently been hurt bad (or so I'm told), but A felt like a protector around her, so he pushed for it regardless. After sometime, she found herself being more charismatic around him, which attracted her to him (much like me to Y)(GUESSING). they dated for a very long time. Over time, "X" factors begin to change (for instance, mine would've changed to a protector if me and Y would've kept going) based on new personalities that the 2 make in each other. A felt like he wanted an equal after being with B, but B felt as though she was always in A's shadow (actually heard her say that once) so it created a tension, but since A still felt like a protector to her, he kept trudging on, saying that he loved her, but couldn't see a future with her. Finally, A's wish to feel like an equal over-powered his feeling of being a protector and he broke up with B. Afterwards, he still felt like he had to protect B, but he knew that he valued his yearning to be an equal more than protecting her.

So, "X" factor is the thing which attracts us to a person (that "new me" we are when we're around them), keeps the relationship going, and is ultimately the thing that has to break down in order for a relationship to end. The shallower the "X" factor, the easier it is to break down (Such as, "He makes me feel adventurous" or "She makes me feel crazy" both will get boring with time) or when you have conflicting secondary "X" factors, such as she "he makes me feel loved" his "She makes me feel like I can protect her" and the her secondary is "I want him to make me feel crazy" and his is just a continuation of protecting.

so yeah, that's my thoughts on that.

BackSTORY time! When me and Y we're going out, I felt confident, cool, and, surprisingly enough, sexy. When she broke up with me, it was after a month of no talking to me (breakdown of communication) and I felt pissed/betrayed. But the problem was, that my "X" factor wasn't something I was willing to let go, adn since I hadn't reached my secondary, it wasn't permanent yet either. which means, when I tried to be confident, that confidence was always stemmed in her, which meant that being around people I wasn't confident with and trying to be so, made me think of her (which hurt a LOT!), so I attempted to find a new source of confidence. and after some rousing discussions with Chris, I found it in a philosophy known as Objectivism. The months when I started to learn that were chaotic, because I was trying to find a permanent confidence, which made things a little awkward with a lot of people (okay, a lot of awkward). But after all of that change, I had confidence for real, but, sadly, since I hadn't gotten time to move on from Y, it was still rooted in her. Which meant, that all the changes I went through to be able to leave her behind, made her painful memories even closer. So, my next (sub conscious) solution was to completely separate myself from my confidence, which meant separate myself from my friends. that happened during the school year, but after school got out, it got worse. I started to Isolate myself, only hanging out with people when I couldn't take myself anymore. I started to fill my waking hours with as much pointless crap in an attempt to stop thinking, because thought was roted in my philosophy which was rooted to confidence, thus to Y. I call this 12 months of my life the "Great Hermitting", and I stopped thinking about Y during that time (mostly because I stopped thinking).

When i started at my new job, I suddenly had 40 hours a week where my body was occupied, but my mind certainly wasn't, and there was Y yet again. I dealt with every emotion I had attempted to distance myself from for the past year. I suddenly loved her, hated her, then loved her again in the matter of hours. During that time, I hurt her (and if she's reading this, I do apologize (I was supposed to be the nice guy, but ended up being just another bad guy)) and it made me wonder why I felt all these things for her. It was then that I realized that I loved her still (I now realize it was because of my faulting programming glitch) and instantly all of the bad emotions disappeared and my mind was clear again.

Then, I started hanging out with a friend from high school (called C) and she was someone for whom I had no "X" factor, simply because I was myself (in all it's purity) around her, which meant I gained nothing from being with her. But I started to force myself to like her, because I knew (sub-consciously at the time) that she represented myself to me. So, after a month of this forcing me to like her, I asked her out. She said no (thank Zeus) but it forced the programming into the spot where Y was regardless. the New program looked like this during my like her "My confidence comes from Y{ERROR} redirct/:C" but when she let me go it became, instead, my "x" factor towards her, which is me, so now it's "my confidence comes from me", which is awesome. I choose programming because it makes the most sense, and I only thought this up later, but in the moment I knew what it was, I just didn't have the words.

I came up with the "X" Factor Idea when I was looking back on all that had happened to me in the past 3 years since my last break up. so yeah, back story: COMPLETED!